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Helloooooo :D
Iapos;m sorry i skipped choir today but i have a reason I went to meet Hua buddies. Haha the cutest. We stood outside waiting for the teachers and talked to them. So fun we kept remisniscing our past like how we were short, childish and kuku. Woahhhhhhhhh haha then after that went to Orchard simply for nothing. I mean seriously, we walked around Orchard, totally aimless, clueless and meaningless. Supposed to take Neoprint but the lady pissed me off. Supposed to watch Max Payne but the guys didnapos;t want. Haiyo and now iapos;m hungryyyy.

I love them haha they all are the cutest. And i saw someone who looked like Ben, like seriously alike I wanted to call him but i realised it couldnapos;t be him since he was doing Olvl. What a retard. Iapos;m really hungry. I think i mentioned it before haha okay okay so yeah. Whatever iapos;m going to bathe, then eat, then do homework Yay.
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Just got back from strike, oh, about 30 minutes ago.� We all arrived about 8:30 and there were about 50 people and it still took us freaking long.� I managed to drill my thumb too.� Fucking screws get so hot they bend and the drill just goes everywhere.� It didnapos;t hurt much, just felt like Iapos;d knocked it on something, but it sure bled something fierce.� I still need to go wash off and hope I donapos;t get tetanus or some shit like that.

Oh, and I had a mountain dew right afterwards... Hence, the reason I am still up....

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I gave my 2 weeks notice today. My last day at the bank will be November 3rd.

My Love starts training that night for his new position.

I had to reschedule the interview with Cambridge Eye, however, the woman I spoke with who will be doing the interviewing was so great about it. She understood that it is difficult when I still am working.

We looked over our budget and as long as I still can get help with the Health Insurance for the children weapos;ll be OK for a while without me working at all. Since the children are not My Loveapos;s legal responsibility and because I am the Primary Custodial parent Iapos;m hoping that I will still receive Premium Assistance to have them on My Loveapos;s health insurance. If not that then I should be able to get MassHealth for them.

I will call tomorrow.

I canapos;t believe I gave my notice.

*yikes*

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Luke says:
Iapos;m happy that youapos;re happy with Sen. Itapos;s a little success story and gives me hope that I can find someone that makes me happy.

Faith says:
u and sen are a real love story
sure u guys have ur times but who doesnt...its worth it

Ruki says:
you guys are how a relationship should be.



----

In other news I feel sick and the Blood Fairy visited me today...
which means im not pregnant. Niiiice.

but I AM IN PAIN GRRRRRRRRRRRR

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I am one of 80 or 90 emails to "sort through".

That must qualify as the point of the chisel slowly chipping through my spirit.

Lending it strength...my father would rather leave the country than visit me (visiting me is too expensive, you know) and my brothers consider themselves best friends but wonapos;t return my phone calls because I love my father (because heapos;s a bastard I shouldnapos;t love him as much as I do, isnapos;t it obvious how terrible he is?).

I tell the truth when asked for it and am reviled and shunned for it by so-called-friends that profess love...over and over and over again.

Each time I am ignored, each time I am lost in the masses, each time I am pushed aside for the greater pleasures to be found elsewhere, I die a little bit inside.

These are not idle acquaintances or friendships. These are, or were, deep loving relationships whether they are friends or family. I love these people with everything I am. EVERYTHING I am. I feel almost utterly worthless right now.

I have 11 visible scars on my left arm and 5 on my right. And if it werenapos;t for Ray, who is my armor and shield, I would have several more tonight.

I no longer wonder why he never wants anyone around but me. I no longer wonder why itapos;s so much better to stay home. Itapos;s safer. Itapos;s more comfortable. Itapos;s peaceful and loving and enveloping with each other.

Somehow, that realization doesnapos;t bring balm to the outside hurts, although I know they will fade away and scar with time just like the real wounds and real scars on my body.

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Being back at school is a real downer. I come here and all over again i am spending too much time alone. I get really depressed when iapos;m alone =/

my weekend in pittsburgh was amazing. I spent two nights with anthony and two with nick. We went to a bar, went to a little get together and played pong, watched hard candy and i am legend, took a long walk out of the city and had mexican food, got stranded in green tree, stole a medium coke and ran, cried twice for some silly reasons, got to meet all of nick and anthonyapos;s friends and roomates, went to the arcade, wrote an essay on ron paul, talked with nick about our 401k and smoked an incredible amount of really good weed.

and then when i got home to buffalo kate, becky, gabe and erin were all waiting at the station for me :) cuties <3
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I have some marking to do but donapos;t feel like doing it yet. So I shall just list random things for their own sake.

1. I should not go to the beach and then come home and run. The sun saps your energy. Running when itapos;s humid saps your energy. I want to curl up and sleep. But no, I have to mark.

2. Running with music masks my panting (to myself). Apparently when I speed up towards the end and run till I feel like vomiting, I wheeze. I didnapos;t realise that when I was jogging along the relatively empty East Coast trails. In heartland Singapore, where you weave amongst busy commuters walking home from work, itapos;s a different story. Quite a few people looked back in alarm and then moved out of my way quickly, for fear I might go into cardiac arrest and/or hurl onto their shoes or something.

3. I saw a couple of photos from early 2007 and realised that in the course of one year I have developed a flabbier gut and that my hair in London looks much healthier. On the plus side, my eyebrows look better now and I have less pigmentation on my face.

4. I think that despite having had a rather tough first half of the year, where I forced myself to do happy things and keep cheerful, the need to do so has passed. I am in a peaceful phase right now, even though I still worry about money from time to time (especially given the global economic outlook).

5. I donapos;t know when I will find time to go to London again. I need to go. But I have a lot of teaching to do next year and wonder how to squeeze in the time for a trip. Which I must make.

6. Related to running, a flabby gut and spending the day at the beach, I considered my body and how I feel about it. I have decided that despite the flabbier gut and having to consign my work clothes from pre-2003 to charity, I am not unhappy with it. Itapos;s reasonably fit, Iapos;m hardly sick and the energy levels have yet to fall noticeably.

7. I should go for a haircut soon. I need to book a pedicure. I need to buy work skirts.

8. I am many skin tones lighter than people usually think. I just spend time in the sun, swimming, hiking, cycling etc and catch and retain colour well. When I am unclothed, the tan lines are startling.� Ask my waxing lady.

9. My arms are dusted with red moles and freckles. I only noticed them after a winter in London when my normal tan faded.

10. I hope the Dr doesnapos;t have too many skin and sun related comments to make in response to this post. I use sunblock religiously, but I cannot change my lifestyle. I like being outdoors, even in muggy, sweaty Singapore.
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"i know someone who only reads j.d.apos;s _. She reads it every night. When she finishes, she starts again on the first page. Like itapos;s a record. I told her that my favorite part is when h. Gets drunk and he goes to the park. Sits by the lake. He pretends his stomach is shot, he stumbles around in the cold holding on to hs gut. She says did that happen in the book, i donapos;t remember that happening. It was october, an afternoon. She was wearing an old white t-shirt, on it a pentel pen drawing she herself made. No earrings, which suits her unlike other girls. Ponytail, blue jeans, blue shoes, faded. Pimples on the left side of her face. She has a tatoo somewhere. I donapos;t remember where it was, i remember she told me. Then, she looked at me and said i donapos;t want anything to do with you, ever. I laughed and she didnapos;t. I sort of liked her. Sort of. A lot. Once, before that conversation, she took a picture of me for some competition. Held a candy bar over my mouth, used it as a smile, my eyes crinkling."

"what happened to her."

"iapos;m not really sure. Sheapos;s still around somewhere. Probably taking more pictures. Unless she learned something else. Sheapos;s still her. Peopleapos;s lives donapos;t really change until we think they do. Or until they say they have. When they mean it. But what i mean is people donapos;t really change."

"ah."

"you donapos;t really care about any of this. Youapos;re humoring me."

"little boy, what people are mostly concerned about, what will always draw interest, is when someone else says something about their lives. When they realize itapos;s about them and that someone tried to chip out that instance. When the memory is glorious or gloriously forgotten, and is recorded accurately, well enough. You make them remember. That it might be true. Theyapos;d say itapos;s true, theyapos;d say itapos;s an outright lie. They say, they talk about it in their heads. They arenapos;t interested in you but in what you said. Theyapos;d appraise the little thing you made, made up, whichever, and they count up their worth. Worth in what you think their worth is. There is always this fear, a childhood anxiety, of being misrepresented, misread. Under-over-valued. And thatapos;s what make them talk to you. Or not want to. Not because of you but because of what you said."

"donapos;t you ever have anything nice to say."

"not to you. No. Not likely. I already get what i want from you."

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So we got Guitar Hero III and the Aerosmith version now, the problem is, the wireless guitar wonapos;t connect with the sensor thingy-me-bob. So Iapos;m taking it back to JB Hi-fi to see whatapos;s up with that. I didnapos;t buy the game for nothing Iapos;m not stopping at nothing

Iapos;ve been having awkward dreams lately. I donapos;t really take notice of my dreams...those awkward and not-so awkward dreams. I mean, I do take notice of them...but I donapos;t let it affect me up to the point that I literally talk about them.

Since I got back, Iapos;ve been having dreams of my little niece and my family members around me. It was like, my life here was mixed with the people who are so distant from me. Perhaps itapos;s cause subconsciously, Iapos;m missing them like mad. I try not to think about these things...because I am here in New Zealand for a purpose...and I tend to get to the end of that journey without any emotional attachment hindering me from getting to the spot.

And just the other night, I had a dream that I was spewing cause my gut felt ultimately weird. I could literally feel that pain in my stomach of having not eaten something...and usually you donapos;t throw up because of this...but in my dream I did. In my dream, I kept coughing...while lying down...and I eventually spewed all over myself. I woke up just after I had spewed in my dream, and was looking down at my shirt. What is all this supposed to mean?

I wonder.

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